Listen here motherfuckers. I’m about to drop some knowledge.
You like the Avengers? Cool? Think Hunger Games is neat? Awesome. Bonkers for Batman? Bueno. I respect your right to choose a “favorite” movie.
Just as I respect your right to be wrong as shit.
I have three words for you, cinematic peons: BEDKNOBS AND BROOMSTICKS. This film can match and surpass any movie from the past fifty, nay, ONE BILLION years, beat for beat, blow for blow. Back when Louis Lumiere was carefully crafting the first motion picture camera, he was filled with a fiery purpose: to ensure that, one day, his good work would allow Bedknobs and Broomsticks to delight audiences across the world. When this piece of art finally sublimely slipped through projectors in 1971, Louis’ corpse cracked a bony and long-overdue smile.
Let me explain this to you more clearly. Bedknobs and Broomsticks has everything. Action. Adventure. Romance. War. Adorable children. Witches. Magic. Tap dancing. Musical numbers. Animated animals playing rugby. Angela “Murder, She DID” Lansbury. A MAGICAL TIME AND SPACE BENDING BED.
Still not convinced? I’m not going to waste time trying to bring light to those who prefer the dark. Let’s just run through some comparisons:
You enjoyed the Chronicles of Narnia?
How about an equally valid civilization of talking animals, both in the sea AND on land, that is so full of motherfucking whimsy that it’ll make you throw up Peppermint Patties and rainbows.
You enjoy the romantic twists and turns of the Twilight series?
An apprentice witch who can’t master her passion. A conman fighting with his inner need to be noble. Three siblings who have been torn apart by humanity’s violence. How about a movie full of so many soap opera shenanigans you’ll wish you could go back in time and kill whoever invented feelings in the first place so you wouldn’t suffer the pain of getting your heart ripped out of your motherfucking CHEST.
So you enjoyed the veiled correlation of the struggles between Harry Potter and the Dark Lord with the struggles of the Allies in WWII?
How about people using magic to fight ACTUAL FUCKING NAZIS.
So you enjoyed the Chronicles of Riddick?
There is no equal. There are no arguments. Bedknobs and Motherfucking Broomsticks is the best movie of all time. You disagree? I don’t give a shit. For everyone who does, welcome to the brotherhood.
Substitutiary Locomotion, motherfuckers.
Welp, I’ve never seen this movie, which seems to mean that I’ve been living a lie my whole life.